A Bathroom Psychology

The brilliant Richie and Worried Mother

Richie, a 13 year old teenage boy and his mother came to meet me some days back with a typical worry of many parents of current generation. She started to unfold the list of worries to me. “He is not serious about anything in his life and not interested in studies as well. He is a highly active teenager in school and home as well in anything except studies.”

“And sir, this boy had made an odd habit from past 4-5 years, he used to spent hours inside the bathroom. Immediately after coming home from school he pushes into restroom and stay there for more than one hour. I need to shout many times and knock the door continuously louder to make him come out.”

I asked her “ Is there any health issue he shared to you? Particularly related to stomach or constipation ?”

She said “ No sir, There is nothing as such in my knowledge. And many times he says, he get stomach ache and goes to toilet. Then after spending there for one hour or more he come out normally. I never let him eat junks also as I cook all the food preferences of him at home. He also does it many times in kitchen”

“I was worried whether his health had been proper or not. I even took him to hospital for checkup and nothing found wrong. When I ask him to study, he does the same. Whenever I take him for any classes he does the same. Now a days he is even carrying the story books and sometimes my mobile phone too. I need to push this boy literally by shouting at him badly to bring out of the restroom.”

The mother kept pouring out. “I spend most of my adult life for him and still doing the same. I started to work from home and struggling to make money so hard even after so many offers came to me. All these actions of mine are for him. I find money in hard-ways to spend on his daily needs and happiness. “

I could sense the depth of her worries and I guessed that she is one of the single mother who is struggling for the better future of her only son. May be she is sacrificing lot more for his life too.

She continued “Sir, please make him understand that studies are really important and without that he cannot survive in this world.”

I kept on listening to the mother and looking at Richie. He was silent but really cool about the vent out by mother. He was looking like these vent outs of mother is a regular thing and nothing new in this. 

She finished “ I really don’t know why my boy is not at all worried or serious. And I am tired of advising him and pushing him in all the know modes. Now I am worried as his 9th and 10th standard studies which would be definitely a toughest time for him if he continues like this.”

As most of the modern parents do, she was also stressed so much about her child. After some basic understanding about their family background and some routine questions used for counselling, I requested her to give some time for the child and me to discuss.

He was a great fan of marvel series, cars and football which made my way easy to build a good connect inside his thoughts. We were discussing and laughing for some time and eventually I understood that he is a good foot baller, singer, painter, tech savvy, cook, fashion freak and a good leader too. His fan followers were plenty in the school as well as the apartment community because of his intelligence, conversation skills, activities, smartness and stage performance aura too. Of-course like every teenager of the age, he also had mini gangs and noble gang-wars in school campus and tuition classes.

In the first view there was nothing seriously visible and as the conversation went on I realized that there were deep wants of a child were literally burnt alive inside him and whenever it comes to self-growth he could not take it anymore seriously.

During discussions I found that, he was so restless at times and fallen into silent mode or became reactive when he lost the peace of mind. I asked a question “What are the top five reasons that make you respect your mother so much”.

He said :- “She loves me and does everything for me. I do not show any interest in studies and still she is not hating me. She is working hard to earn money all alone to take care of me and more than that I saw her struggling so much in the past one decade from the time I started to remember. There are no reasons to hate her for me. But I don’t know why I am not able to help her in this one demand of her.” From his answer was clear that he had no issue with mother and her responses. 

I asked him couple of questions about some comic books that teenagers prefer, some movies and even about technologies. Even I asked him about some other questions to know the multiple intelligence. Surprisingly he was too good at almost everything. I understood that there was something seriously burnt this kid in budding stage itself.

Let me take you to the summary of the case as the techniques and processes used are too lengthy to explain here

Childhood burns

Richie’s mother was a single parent separated from the husband almost a decade back. He was another unlucky child who did not get the love of father and extended family and all he heard about the father was hate stories. Also he was witness of the various down times of his family members particularly her mother during the budding age. Plenty of never understood fears and stresses were accumulated inside him which were never clarified nor removed. He learnt to be silent and not to talk about stress by seeing his mother’s behaviour as she also did show the same in front of his eyes by suppressing her pains and struggles as much as possible. Physical pain was nothing for him by this learning.

In the social life he experienced that lot of stress piling up inside and his child mind was not able to understand what it was or how to manage. One of the quick way he found was getting a personal space where he can be the one whom he wanted or feel to be. He found that place in between the four walls of bathroom and started to spend more time as he wanted the peace of mind.

The why

In studies, he was stressed by mother, family members and teachers. Every time when he heard that “ You are not studying well, or your performance is bad”, it eventually filled his innocent mind to believe it is true. And of-course you will become what you believe. He also became same even though he had born intelligences. Every time when it comes to any kind studies, he started to feel stressed. Mostly stress for younger children comes into picture in the abdominal area pain and he was also facing same. He started to get the pain in stomach frequently along with some mild digestive issues and gastric problems. He felt to get inside the restroom whenever he lost the peace of mind or accumulated stress. Particularly the formal study was a conflictual state for him as mind was already filled by negative infusion from years and when he was forced to study, the mind was recalling the previous labels towards him – the non-performing student. Sitting inside the restroom made him very much comfortable too. He started this habit as a working way of survival. As most of the people go with judgmental mindset, the family also observed the effect instead of looking at the cause and he lost the focus almost all here.

Psychological facts behind “Rest”- Room Love

1)   This is the one and only place where every individual can be the original personality that they are inside their own self.

2)   No one will come to intervene into the original you there.

3)   This is the place you are least worried about what others will think about you. Even you won’t find any other place where you will comfortably undress or mock in front of mirror than a rest room

4)   The space you need to be and handle become small and closer between the 4 walls and you will have higher chances on though focus when you are inside the restroom.

5)   You imagination and freedom is completely goes to great extends there and you may find lot of opportunities in solving problems.

6)   Holding the excretory materials inside the human body is a stressful things and a person goes inside the restroom feel lot of relaxation after removing those burdens.

7)   Weird/ sick mind also get opened up inside the private space of bathroom. You can remember the arts and crafts inside public toilet. Plenty of masked faces walking in between us remove it when they enter inside their restroom. Oh yes.. You will remember the dirty pics and statements also in the public toilets of trains and bus stations.

8)   The person who comes out of toilet will be 7 times more confident mind than the mind the person had while getting inside. People apply this technique during interview, meetings, public speeches and stressed situation management.

9)   You can hardly find people coming out of restroom in stressed mood. Surprised? Think about yourself how you come out from restroom after a stressed meeting or call.

10) The kids and teens who are highly stressed or experienced with panic childhood events have higher tendencies to keep their legs on top of the commode and prefers restrooms over wet ones .

11) Those who use restroom more than 8 times in a day are more cool, stressless and creative. The simple reason is that they get private space to think creatively and come out with solutions.

12) The 3 people out of every 100 living around us are facing a state of mind called “Paruresis” which leads them to anxiety. This is also called as “Bashful Bladder” in which people feel shy to go for urination if someone watching them or even present in the room. As per Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (DSM-5) this is a type social anxiety disorder. Around 220 millions of people have this issue across the world. This can even lead some of those people into severe agoraphobia – the state of panic and embarrassments caused by places and situations.

13) There is a lesser version of the above which is called “Parcorpresis” – Also known as shy poop state. These people make use of restrooms for long hours when they get private or protected spaces to release the stress. CBT is one of the most used method to handle both of these above states.

14) Men mostly do not choose the urinal which is next to the occupied one and even if the entire restroom is free, they tend to opt out the one which is closer to the door or entrance. Probably now you will know why most of the middle one looks more unclean and occupied in larger toilet facilities. Obviously the first ones are cleanest too.

15) Studies say that women spend twice more time inside public restrooms than men and this is not stereotypical but because of the constructional differences of restrooms and hence the queue possibilities for women. In-fact the joke about women who spend more time inside restroom are backed up by this way.

16) How you usually use the toilet paper inside restroom also says something about you. If you fold the toilet paper while using it, you may be more organized, meticulous and probably a perfectionist too. If you usually use the toilet paper crumbled, you are creative, impulsive and probably in hurry. 

Some more interesting facts about toilet behaviour

1. An average person spends 92 complete days inside bathroom if you count all seconds and minutes he used throughout his whole life time inside bathroom.
2. The famous people including Isaac Newton and Albert Einstein were well known for spending long hours inside bathroom. Even there were pen and papers in the bathroom of Newton for his work.
3. Archimedes’ famous invention about density and the historical “Eureka event” happened inside the bathroom.
4. Millions of humans among us carry newspaper, books or mobile phone to use while go inside restroom. Among the youths. 3 out of 4 people use mobile phone/ books, newspaper or even games while spending time inside the restroom.
5. Most of the highest scores of various games are happened at bathroom and most people uses mobile phones inside bathroom.
6. Surveys say that 31 among every 100 people get plenty of creative ideas while they are bathing or spending time inside the restroom and November 19th is the world toilet day.
7. Those who have natural interest of singing will tend to come out when they are inside their private space which is the restroom.

I’m sure plenty of you are now in this list. Now you got a reason to keep this place clean and creative more than your study rooms or kitchen to build better thoughts.

Where did Richie go

Yes. we started this with him. He had undergone few more counselling sessions and CBT to come out of the childhood burns. The mother also took some learning sessions to help him better. She had even took the support of other family members and teachers to help Richie. He started to show lot more changes now and still sometimes he uses bathroom for long time. Definitely those were not all because of stress but for creating his project work ideas and online quiz games only.

If your child is spending more time inside restroom, do remember to check the facts instead of bullying or threatening or even scolding them. There may be some creative thoughts in their mind or they really need help from you or an expert counsellor’s to come out of some stress.